Start now
Like anything you need start early, be consistent and talk to your kids in a way that is age appropriate. Same thing goes for talking about dimensions of diversity. It’s common to have a sex talk, as it relates to sexual activity, and a drug talk but what about conversations to help them navigate their identity. Having the tools to talk about their experiences, identify their needs and express the impact their lives have on them is critical.
I have been talking to my kids about gender identity, sexuality and culture as along as I can remember but it wasn’t until they started attending school that I realized I hadn’t developed the tools to talk about race. They know their racial identity as we love talking about family history but we hadn’t talked about race as a social construct.
It only took one racial slur being yelled at my one of my boys for me to be transported back to being in school myself and now am able to recognize that I was experiencing racial and cultural isolation. I wished I had the tools then to recognize what was happening so that I didn’t become a part of my identity. The impacts of which made me feel like something was wrong with me the ugly duckling or black sheep. Also constantly struggling with who I was versus who my peers wanted me to be; some version of the only black person they had seen on tv.
So I’ve started talking my kids about the social construct of race and to my surprise they all replied “yeah we know we aren’t surprised”. They knew because they were experiencing we just hadn’t had the conversations. As we continue to have conversations I am trying to help them parcel out what is them and what is gives happening in their environment. For example on a classroom visit my youngest was showing me all the games and books he used during free time and I asked him which one looks like you? He scanned quickly and look up at my in shock “none of them”. I asked the teacher if she needed help getting some new games but she was still frozen.
While my passion and contribution professionally to this world is to help innovate so that we all, including our planet, can thrive - that’s the long game. I can’t wait for the changes nor should you. Prepare your kids regardless of their race so that they can help change it with you. They are our future leaders.
Before you get started remember:
It is your job to listen actively and model compassion.
Think about how your child learns most effectively and try using those methods to help them grow.
There are no wrong answers kids will reflect back what is in their environment, it is our job to make the changes so that they can grow into a new understanding/direction.
Pause before taking action, make sure you are not placing your trauma on your kiddo.
“Help should feel like love not oppression.”
- Fernell Miller
Some tips for exploring identity with your child:
Explore: Talk with your child about the different dimensions of diversity. Ask them how they identify. Be prepared. Listen attentively. There are no wrong answer all your child to self-express and give yourself time to process their answers. Remember this is an ongoing conversation.
Antidote: Have ongoing conversations with your child and model by sharing how identify on an ongoing basis. Provide real world examples of race, culture and ethnicity. Do not open topics you are not prepared to talk to them about. And be ready to active listen.
Explore: Ask them what that looks like for them? How this is different from the example being taught?
Antidote: Empower them to develop solutions. What would they do? What advantages do they have? What challenges would that present? What support would they like/need to navigate the situation?
Explore: Ask them if they see themselves in the content provided? If not why?
Antidote: Offer your child an alternative or supplementary option that does showcase them.
If you feel the content is harmful give yourself permission to not teach it to your children. Provide feedback to the school/teachers so that the whole class can benefit from a more diverse lesson plan.
Explore: Ask you children what they are interested in learning about? What attributes do you see in them and want to develop?
Antidote: Provide learning opportunities, resources and encouragement to support in those areas. You may have different values or areas of expertise to share with you children. Give yourself permission and time block to nourish these areas too.
Explore: For older more mature children ask them about other people in their environment or community. How are they being treated? How is that the same or different than how they are treated?
Antidote: Practice empathy skills with your kids. Share your stories with each other and have them reflect back what you shared. Then ask them how that felt for them. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a foundational social skill.
Bonus! Take the Learning Style Quiz to figure out how you or your child learn best.